Sprint: Abscond. RUN AWAY.

For the first time in at least a week, I sent the Knight in Shining Camry back to his kingdom in an attempt at a night of uninterrupted rest. A no-kiss-goodnight, lonely-wake-up and no-breakfast-in-the-morning solid night's sleep. Sigh.
And the thing about having my apartment to myself is that I rediscover all sorts of activities that I forget that I enjoy so much. Like eating until I make myself sick. (Oh, wait.) Okay, like sitting in bed with my laptop, importing CDs to my iTunes and playing on Facebook, until 11 p.m. (That's late for me. Drop it.)
But when I finally closed my eyes, nothing could rouse me from that slumber. I was a boulder, landing with a soft thud on feathers and clouds and the sweetest dreams. So. After what felt like an eternity, my eyelids slowly fluttered open to spears of sunlight through my closed blinds. Lying on my stomach, cheek against the cool fitted sheet of the wrong side of the bed, I hooked the tops of my feet around the bottom of my too-short bed and stretched. My arms poked out from under the sheets, and as my consciousness returned, I thought, "What a lovely, lazy Saturday this will be."

Only it wasn't Saturday.
That was today. Tuesday. At 8 a.m.
And my BlackBerry's alarm clock had not gone off.
Thus began my day.
Not only a lonely-wake-up, no-breakfast-in-the-morning great night's sleep, but a two-hours-late-for-work, melting-in-the-sun, Jesus-CHRIST-what-is-my-hair-doing, really-coworker-you-want-to-have-THAT-discussion? day from hell.

One that involved a $90 Zipcar rental (a Volvo!), Led Zeppelin's Physical Graffiti, a lunch hour wasted with the most patronizing "customer service" representative I've ever come into contact with, a missed yoga class and the best glass of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc ever quaffed (so, so deeply) within these walls.
And, I mean, actually? When I put it that way, it doesn't sound so bad.
BUT IT WAS.

And at the end of all this, Sprint, I have you to thank.
As a special tribute to you, I'll share the letter I wrote your delightful customer service department with anyone who might like to read.

Hello,

I have been speaking with @sprintcares on Twitter and they sent me here. Maybe you're them. Mysteries of the Internet! Anyway, hi. I'm Paige — nice to meet you.
Account phone number: [Removed, duh.]
Alternate number: [Work number, also removed, hello.]

I have been using my BlackBerry Pearl 8130 for about a year now, and my family has been with Sprint since the Stone Age. (I'm sure someone has the actual amount of time…)
For the past few months, despite clearing out my text messages, countless hard resets by removing the battery and waiting 30 seconds and removing all applications and starting fresh (thinking that might do something), the phone has gradually become slower and more unreliable. I often get spinning hourglasses that don't go away unless I hard reset, and the past few days, it's been "uncaught exception" messages that make the whole phone seize up.
This morning was the final straw: the uncaught exception popped up before my alarm went off, stopping all action on the phone, including my wakeup call. I woke up and was hours late to work, missed any train that would take me from the city to the 'burbs where my office is, and had to rent a car to get me there. $$$$!!
When I got to the office, I did some Googling to see how I might stop these messages from popping up, and the consensus was that wiping the device was the way to go. So I did. And with no warning from the device of what that would do, I pushed the button and DID get some of the speed and functionality back — and lost my contacts, settings and everything else in the process. My mistake, and I realize that.
Now with car, I went to a Sprint store (not corporate, mind you) in Arlington Heights, told them about my situation and asked them to at least help me get my e-mail button back on the phone. All I got from them was a pat on the head, a wag of the finger and an admonishment to backup my data and upgrade my software more often.
Which, now I see, is nigh unto impossible, because there is BlackBerry Desktop application for Mac yet. I have been using PocketMac, but it has NEVER notified me to update my device software, so I had no idea I had to do this. No indication ever given.
Major failure on Sprint and BlackBerry's part to communicate this information to me. So now I have lost out on HOURS of work and spent a lot of my own money, basically because of this technical difficulty.

So.
My family has one big plan, and we spend so much money with you guys every month, and really, things have been pretty good for a long time, but I am here with scissors in hand, ready to shred MY part of the contract and get that iPhone. At least it would talk to my computer.

And as of 10 p.m.? No response. Telephone customer support was no more help: The man I spoke to, whose name I swear was Random (Ransom? Pandemonium? Beelzebub?), told me there was nothing I could do short of going back to a Sprint store and having them install the software update. Or waiting until September, when BlackBerry is finally getting around to releasing a Mac version of this godforsaken software.
I've nearly reached my limit of bitching and moaning — who'd have thought it? — but my mother's rage knows no bounds. I should be able to get the software issue resolved; Knight in Shining Camry also has a Largely Lackluster Windows Machine.
So unleashing her fury will be simply for sport. On both our parts.

My day ends, then, with a clean BlackBerry that I know will wake me up in the morning. But I might not need the buzzing and chirping — my natural alarm clock is pretty reliable, and if I'm really sweet? It even makes me oatmeal after I've rubbed the sleep from my eyes
Order has returned to the world.